It takes a lot for me to admit something...and by a lot..I mean a lot.
I'm stubborn, scared, nervous by all meanings of the word and most of all, proud. My pride almost takes a toll on my well being to a point.
But, it is time for me to admit it..I have become open. I have become open to the idea that men aren't awful. Typing those words almost makes my hands quiver. I crack my thumbs simultaneously as I re-read that line over and over again. I had built up such thick, broad walls against the united front of the male population. All the he's of the world wanted to do was hurt me. Time and time again I had more losses than I could count. I would reveal my feelings, give something away and I would be left with a broken heart.
I decided to pick up the pieces and harden my heart, instead of wallowing in self pity, I would make myself to understand that the whole idea of men wasn't worth my time. I am an independent woman, aren't I? It's the 21st Century, and these times were made for girls like me. I could study law, get a job and make an honest living. I could have my cat Grandma Lois and that would be it. I wouldn't give a man a single second of my thoughts.
I was determined to make myself believe that love did not exist, only strong friendships. Only that people were meant to think that they had to conform in order to carry on family name, gain property, status and companionship. There was no such thing as fate, but in my non objective opinion, God bringing two friends together in order to do what was best for themselves and for humankind.
To me love was but a blindfold. Once placed across the eyes of someone it easily distracted it's victims from friends, family, work, studies, etc. It was a curse, not a blessing. It made people act irrationally and strange. I dedicated eighteen whole years of my life into drug and alcohol prevention because those substances distracted and poisoned the minds of those around me, and I believed this so called love was doing the same. I needed to stop it.
I became bitter. I cried a lot, almost every single day. One of my favorite television programs stated, "When a couple gets married, two single people die", and that's how I saw it. I would lose all of my friends. I was so used to a friend starting to date and virtually forget my existence. I was so selfish.
I decided it was time for a change. I had to stop hating others, I had to stop hating something that brought my own two wonderful parents together, but most importantly I needed to stop hating myself. The root to all the problems was that I wasn't pretty enough in my mind. Not for myself and sure as hell not enough for anyone else.
Too big, too wide, too everything. A disgusting blob of nothing piled on to some thick bones and shoved out into the world to become a middle class, no name, no nothing citizen. That was me in my head. I poisoned, starved, and chastised myself time and time again. Very few spoke ill of me, so I did it to myself. Tricking my mind into thinking awful, dastardly things that I dare not repeat.
I'm done. I've said it once and I'll say it again. I'm done. I know I am not second rate, and others know that too. I have done great things with my nineteen years and I hopefully will have more years to come, in which I can make a difference. I could not go on preaching to others that it was important for them to value themselves and speak kindly when I had a hissing snake inside my own skull.
I am not the prettiest girl on the planet, but I am not ugly. I am not the smartest person around, but I am not stupid. I am worth something. I wouldn't have such miraculous people constantly telling me that I am valuable if I wasn't. I know how easy it is to give up, I give up all the time, and if I'm an important cause to someone, I guess it would be selfish of me to stop trying.
About last year at this time I told myself that I would be done with these dreadful things..and I failed. But rather than fail and toss away my future and be pessimistic and depressed, I will try again. If I fall back into another self destructive pattern, at least I tried. At least I tried to see the good in all, in love, in men. At least I tried to give up my addiction to anger.
And I will keep trying, hoping and praying for a change. For inspiration, drive and motivation for a change. I believe I can do it, do you?
You damned well better.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
A Love Letter To You
There are many things that people want in this world. To be successful, to be rich, but the most common is probably to be happy. This is definitely what I want with my life.
I've always wanted someone to send me flowers, but flowers die I suppose. But the thought of such a gesture is a good one, right? I've also wanted someone to write me a love letter. I used to get upset about the fact that I would probably never get one, but then I realized that in order to receive, one needs to give. So here is my love letter to you, whomever you are.
Dearest,
I write you this letter with a smile on my face. I think about how truly amazing you are. No matter how cliche it sounds, I think about your smile. I hope you smile often. Did you know that just by attempting to smile you automatically make yourself happier? So smile. You have a beautiful smile. Your teeth are placed just where they need to be. I know you think they're crooked, and dull..but they're perfect.
Speaking of perfect, your hands. I love your hands. Every mark, scuff and scar looks like it was placed on them by God Almighty. They're rough, dry and callused but that's because you work so hard. You work day and night for reasons maybe you only know. I hope those are good reasons.
You are so brilliant. You say you aren't very smart, or you don't know much, but you do. You have taught me so much about this world without even knowing it. Not having a degree doesn't make you stupid, and believe me, having a degree doesn't make you smart. You know far more than you think you do, and I hope you share that knowledge with those around you.
I love you. I know you might not love me, and that's fine, but I love you. If you don't love me, love someone, love something. I believe that not everyone on this earth has a soul mate, but I also believe that people can fall in love with things, not just beings. A person could fall in love with the way she or he feels after dancing, or running. Not necessarily a person right in front of their face.
If you do love someone, or something..love them like nothing else even matters. By that I mean, love it like you won't ever get to experience what you love again. Every time your experience that thing or person you love, tell them you love them. Remind yourself that you love it. Don't forget that you live for something in this world.
Do things alone. Go to a movie, listen to music, write something down, read a book. Develop opinions on your own. Those are yours and no one can take them from you. Remember to take a step back and breath, take yourself out of situations before they get too sticky to handle. There is no shame in looking out for yourself.
Part of loving someone, is the the full knowledge that you won't always have them. Couples break up every day, ever hour, every second of the day. You might, and probably will break up with or divorce someone that you love at someone that you love within your life time. If you marry someone for life they will die, you will die. You won't always have that person, and that person won't always have you. That's why you have to discover things on your own sometimes, even if it hurts. You have to prepare for your ship to sink, even though you work your hardest to keep it afloat.
Make a good best friend. Someone who is aware enough to not always laugh with you, but laugh at you. Someone who will keep you in check if you're being to egotistical or depriving yourself from worth. This friend will be your shoulder to cry on, and you in turn will be their's. They will get you through the thickest and the thinnest.
It pains me to think about the fact that you don't love yourself as you should. You don't understand how truly good you are. You don't realize how truly great, you are. Don't ever forget that you are smart, kind, patient, joyful, ridiculous, beautiful, but most importantly you.
YOU were placed on this earth to love others and for others to love. Make it easier on everyone by first loving what is you.
For you are the most important thing of your existence.
Remember that I love you,
Rachael
I've always wanted someone to send me flowers, but flowers die I suppose. But the thought of such a gesture is a good one, right? I've also wanted someone to write me a love letter. I used to get upset about the fact that I would probably never get one, but then I realized that in order to receive, one needs to give. So here is my love letter to you, whomever you are.
Dearest,
I write you this letter with a smile on my face. I think about how truly amazing you are. No matter how cliche it sounds, I think about your smile. I hope you smile often. Did you know that just by attempting to smile you automatically make yourself happier? So smile. You have a beautiful smile. Your teeth are placed just where they need to be. I know you think they're crooked, and dull..but they're perfect.
Speaking of perfect, your hands. I love your hands. Every mark, scuff and scar looks like it was placed on them by God Almighty. They're rough, dry and callused but that's because you work so hard. You work day and night for reasons maybe you only know. I hope those are good reasons.
You are so brilliant. You say you aren't very smart, or you don't know much, but you do. You have taught me so much about this world without even knowing it. Not having a degree doesn't make you stupid, and believe me, having a degree doesn't make you smart. You know far more than you think you do, and I hope you share that knowledge with those around you.
I love you. I know you might not love me, and that's fine, but I love you. If you don't love me, love someone, love something. I believe that not everyone on this earth has a soul mate, but I also believe that people can fall in love with things, not just beings. A person could fall in love with the way she or he feels after dancing, or running. Not necessarily a person right in front of their face.
If you do love someone, or something..love them like nothing else even matters. By that I mean, love it like you won't ever get to experience what you love again. Every time your experience that thing or person you love, tell them you love them. Remind yourself that you love it. Don't forget that you live for something in this world.
Do things alone. Go to a movie, listen to music, write something down, read a book. Develop opinions on your own. Those are yours and no one can take them from you. Remember to take a step back and breath, take yourself out of situations before they get too sticky to handle. There is no shame in looking out for yourself.
Part of loving someone, is the the full knowledge that you won't always have them. Couples break up every day, ever hour, every second of the day. You might, and probably will break up with or divorce someone that you love at someone that you love within your life time. If you marry someone for life they will die, you will die. You won't always have that person, and that person won't always have you. That's why you have to discover things on your own sometimes, even if it hurts. You have to prepare for your ship to sink, even though you work your hardest to keep it afloat.
Make a good best friend. Someone who is aware enough to not always laugh with you, but laugh at you. Someone who will keep you in check if you're being to egotistical or depriving yourself from worth. This friend will be your shoulder to cry on, and you in turn will be their's. They will get you through the thickest and the thinnest.
It pains me to think about the fact that you don't love yourself as you should. You don't understand how truly good you are. You don't realize how truly great, you are. Don't ever forget that you are smart, kind, patient, joyful, ridiculous, beautiful, but most importantly you.
YOU were placed on this earth to love others and for others to love. Make it easier on everyone by first loving what is you.
For you are the most important thing of your existence.
Remember that I love you,
Rachael
What Pretty Girls Look Like
After much debate, the jury is out. There is a verdict. Its true. The world, or at least me, has decided what pretty girls look like.
Pretty girls do not look like me. By that I don't mean thick, brown, frizzy haired girls, though.
Pretty girls have charisma. When a pretty girl walks into a room everyone else knows that she's there. When she walks up to the counter to order her soy latte, she cracks an awkward smile and fumbles in her purse for her money and the barista doesn't even mind that she has a complicated order. She has a spring in her step as she walks through the mall, in the work place. She occasionally adds a dance move here and there to impress her friends, but also because she's kind of a dork.
Pretty girls know how to smile. She doesn't really realize how beautiful her teeth, mouth and face in general are. She has acne, she has scars, she has freckles, she has moles and birthmarks but she works them. These markings look so natural, so beautiful, so right on their faces.
Pretty girls know how to speak. Some people have "ticks" that others find "annoying" or "weird". Pretty girls have "their way". She might say "um" a lot, she might bite her lip in between words, she might flare her nostrils. When she does it, it adds to the dialogue. It adds to her character. When she says anything, it could be that she puked for 2 hours straight last night due to Montezuma's Revenge, and people would still want to hear her, see her, be in her presence as she says these disgusting things.
Pretty girls know how to laugh. Pretty girls snort or bust a gut. No matter how obnoxious her laugh is, people still just looooove hearing it. Her laugh is was charges the room, and lightens the conversation. When she giggles she gets this weird look on her face, and people eat that shit up. She's gorgeous.
Pretty girls are confident. She knows how to get what she wants and when. She works day and night typing papers, bussing tables, writing policy. Not because she knows that it will get her ahead in life, but also because her actions benefit other people. She doesn't look for things, she finds them. Things to her are placed in the bed of her lap, not because she is spoiled, but because she deserves them. Maybe a romantic relationship..or a work promotion..something to be revered. She has spent her life knowing that she can and will accomplished all she needs, never denying her abilities.
Its common knowledge that I have a little money set aside for my inevitable plastic surgeries of the future, but I will never be a pretty girl. I do not have what it takes. It is within my consciousness to constantly judge and analyze every single little thing I do from going certain places with certain people to breathing. Its a problem, I'm aware.
But, just because I am not a pretty girl now, it doesn't mean that I can't become one someday. I can when and only when I change my ways, hold up my chin and do it. Just, do it. Without hesitation, without fear of looking or feeling stupid. Without judging myself, or fearing others judging me. It takes hard work and dedication to be a pretty girl, not just by staying well kept but by maintaining the mentality that MISTAKES WILL HAPPEN.
Everyone can be a pretty girl.
Pretty girls do not look like me. By that I don't mean thick, brown, frizzy haired girls, though.
Pretty girls have charisma. When a pretty girl walks into a room everyone else knows that she's there. When she walks up to the counter to order her soy latte, she cracks an awkward smile and fumbles in her purse for her money and the barista doesn't even mind that she has a complicated order. She has a spring in her step as she walks through the mall, in the work place. She occasionally adds a dance move here and there to impress her friends, but also because she's kind of a dork.
Pretty girls know how to smile. She doesn't really realize how beautiful her teeth, mouth and face in general are. She has acne, she has scars, she has freckles, she has moles and birthmarks but she works them. These markings look so natural, so beautiful, so right on their faces.
Pretty girls know how to speak. Some people have "ticks" that others find "annoying" or "weird". Pretty girls have "their way". She might say "um" a lot, she might bite her lip in between words, she might flare her nostrils. When she does it, it adds to the dialogue. It adds to her character. When she says anything, it could be that she puked for 2 hours straight last night due to Montezuma's Revenge, and people would still want to hear her, see her, be in her presence as she says these disgusting things.
Pretty girls know how to laugh. Pretty girls snort or bust a gut. No matter how obnoxious her laugh is, people still just looooove hearing it. Her laugh is was charges the room, and lightens the conversation. When she giggles she gets this weird look on her face, and people eat that shit up. She's gorgeous.
Pretty girls are confident. She knows how to get what she wants and when. She works day and night typing papers, bussing tables, writing policy. Not because she knows that it will get her ahead in life, but also because her actions benefit other people. She doesn't look for things, she finds them. Things to her are placed in the bed of her lap, not because she is spoiled, but because she deserves them. Maybe a romantic relationship..or a work promotion..something to be revered. She has spent her life knowing that she can and will accomplished all she needs, never denying her abilities.
Its common knowledge that I have a little money set aside for my inevitable plastic surgeries of the future, but I will never be a pretty girl. I do not have what it takes. It is within my consciousness to constantly judge and analyze every single little thing I do from going certain places with certain people to breathing. Its a problem, I'm aware.
But, just because I am not a pretty girl now, it doesn't mean that I can't become one someday. I can when and only when I change my ways, hold up my chin and do it. Just, do it. Without hesitation, without fear of looking or feeling stupid. Without judging myself, or fearing others judging me. It takes hard work and dedication to be a pretty girl, not just by staying well kept but by maintaining the mentality that MISTAKES WILL HAPPEN.
Everyone can be a pretty girl.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)