Openings..

It takes a lot for me to admit something...and by a lot..I mean a lot.

I'm stubborn, scared, nervous by all meanings of the word and most of all, proud.  My pride almost takes a toll on my well being to a point.

But, it is time for me to admit it..I have become open.  I have become open to the idea that men aren't awful.  Typing those words almost makes my hands quiver.  I crack my thumbs simultaneously as I re-read that line over and over again.  I had built up such thick, broad walls against the united front of the male population.  All the he's of the world wanted to do was hurt me. Time and time again I had more losses than I could count.  I would reveal my feelings, give something away and I would be left with a broken heart.

I decided to pick up the pieces and harden my heart, instead of wallowing in self pity, I would make myself to understand that the whole idea of men wasn't worth my time.  I am an independent woman, aren't I? It's the 21st Century, and these times were made for girls like me.  I could study law, get a job and make an honest living.  I could have my cat Grandma Lois and that would be it.  I wouldn't give a man a single second of my thoughts.

I was determined to make myself believe that love did not exist, only strong friendships.  Only that people were meant to think that they had to conform in order to carry on family name, gain property, status and companionship.  There was no such thing as fate, but in my non objective opinion, God bringing two friends together in order to do what was best for themselves and for humankind.

To me love was but a blindfold.  Once placed across the eyes of someone it easily distracted it's victims from friends, family, work, studies, etc.  It was a curse, not a blessing.  It made people act irrationally and strange.  I dedicated eighteen whole years of my life into drug and alcohol prevention because those substances distracted and poisoned the minds of those around me, and I believed this so called love was doing the same.  I needed to stop it.

I became bitter.  I cried a lot, almost every single day.  One of my favorite television programs stated, "When a couple gets married, two single people die", and that's how I saw it.  I would lose all of my friends.  I was so used to a friend starting to date and virtually forget my existence.  I was so selfish.

I decided it was time for a change.  I had to stop hating others, I had to stop hating something that brought my own two wonderful parents together, but most importantly I needed to stop hating myself.  The root to all the problems was that I wasn't pretty enough in my mind.  Not for myself and sure as hell not enough for anyone else.

Too big, too wide, too everything.  A disgusting blob of nothing piled on to some thick bones and shoved out into the world to become a middle class, no name, no nothing citizen.  That was me in my head.  I poisoned, starved, and chastised myself time and time again.  Very few spoke ill of me, so I did it to myself.  Tricking my mind into thinking awful, dastardly things that I dare not repeat.

I'm done.  I've said it once and I'll say it again. I'm done. I know I am not second rate, and others know that too.  I have done great things with my nineteen years and I hopefully will have more years to come, in which I can make a difference.  I could not go on preaching to others that it was important for them to value themselves and speak kindly when I had a hissing snake inside my own skull.

I am not the prettiest girl on the planet, but I am not ugly.  I am not the smartest person around, but I am not stupid.  I am worth something.  I wouldn't have such miraculous people constantly telling me that I am valuable if I wasn't.  I know how easy it is to give up, I give up all the time, and if I'm an important cause to someone, I guess it would be selfish of me to stop trying.

About last year at this time I told myself that I would be done with these dreadful things..and I failed.  But rather than fail and toss away my future and be pessimistic and depressed, I will try again.  If I fall back into another self destructive pattern, at least I tried.  At least I tried to see the good in all, in love, in men.  At least I tried to give up my addiction to anger.

And I will keep trying, hoping and praying for a change.  For inspiration, drive and motivation for a change.  I believe I can do it, do you?

You damned well better.