"I don't really know what kind of girl I am..."

Juno paces up and down her parents' hallway as best friend Leah nervous, but calmly, encourages her to disclose with her father and step mom that she is pregnant.  Juno, begs for mercy and gives her shocked, but understanding parents the information.  Finally, her father looks at her and says, "Boy, June-bug, I thought you were the kind of girl who could tell what's what," then Juno looks to him, as the camera zooms in on her face, eyes welling up with tears and says, "I don't really know what kind of girl I am..."

No, I'm not pregnant, but this quote has always stayed in my mind ever since I first saw the movie Juno, one of my ALL TIME favorites.  As I get older, I think to myself the same statement.  I really don't know what kind of girl I am, and this could be the root to some of my troubles.  

As I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed, I see several different types of posters.  Girls who post perfectly posed pictures with their best friends and boyfriends, they look so ecstatic to be alive and to be extremely, stereotypically attractive.  I see posts from those who are older than me, telling stories about their careers and families, looking to find advice about parenting or cleaning.  I also see friends who are politically apt posting about how Republican members of congress should be fired for shutting down the government and the Obama administration is causing millions of people to suffer within the confounds of the Healthcare Reform.  Then, I look to my own newsfeed.

Several, hopefully satyrical and funny statuses, Instagram photos of random objects and friends, articles about basically anything and everything.  I think, who am I? What does social media say about...me?   Ever since I was a little girl, I have struggled with identity.  Labeled as a "nerd" early on, I was often asked to let someone copy my homework or asked a question on a test when the teacher left the room.  "Rachael, what's number four?? Don't be a bitch, just tell me!", still occasionally plays in my head.  I knew that I wanted to be smart, and I worked very hard to be "smart" but I also wanted to be that girl.  You know, that girl who not only knew the entire U.S. Constitution at a young age but knew facts about rock icons and movies.  I wanted to be that really pretty girl who was popular, but popular because of her great successes.  I wanted to be what the 90's Disney Channel original movie female protagonist, so to speak.

In junior high, I would practice my smile and laughs in the mirror.  Constantly.  I always thought before I set out to camp or school at the beginning of the year, "This is it.  This is my time.  People will realize I'm cool, maybe someone will think I'm even pretty."  Each year, I would be discouraged because repeatedly that would never happen.  I would look to the girls that all the boys liked and cry, literally cry, because I couldn't figure out what separated me from them.  Other than the fact that they often had pretty blonde hair, watched Nickelodeon shows and could burp on command, I mean, that was beauty back in the early 2000's as a 10 year old.  I was an awkwardly pear shaped kid with glasses,  HUGE front teeth and to merely say 'curly hair' would be an understatement.  I couldn't burp, I wasn't allowed to watch Rugrats and I knew my parents would never let me color my hair blonde.  What was a girl like me to do? 

Today, I still struggle with this question, "what kind of girl am I?", and whether or not that it's weird that I have more than one answer.  No, I am not that insanely gorgeous girl who takes perfect photos and has the world's best boyfriend, and I probably never will be.  No, I'm not that cool hipster chick that plays records and goes to concerts in her grungy, yet perfect Vans.  No, I'm not that on-track young lady who knows that she is going to be married in X amount of years with her picture perfect dream wedding and life picked out.  I'm Rachael.

I'm that Christian girl who really loves rap music.  That girl who has big dreams and an education that is attempting to help get her there.  That girl who dates, but doesn't have a boyfriend, but knows that she wants to settle down with a man someday, have some cool kids and a cat named something awesome like George or Jean Paulo.  That girl who really likes fashion and reality TV shows.  That girl who isn't reckless, but occasionally daring when it doesn't interfere with her naps.  That girl who will probably always dislike that she can't look like someone else, but will continue to get compliments on her hair and make up.  That girl who has friends and family that love her a lot and will continue to make them her first priority.  I'm that girl.  It's not easy, but I can't even imagine my life any other way.