I Hate Couples

Its true. I hate couples with a passion.  I might sound bitter, but I don't care! This is my blog!

Okay, so I'll tone it down just a little bit. I don't hate couples completely but I do dislike a lot of them.  I love that chill couple that isn't too touchy feely when they're around you, but they occasionally hold hands at a baseball game or have a quick peck when waiting in line at a restaurant.  The couples that you don't feel like a total third wheel tagging around with, those are the couples I love.

Everyone else can go jump off of something.  I have developed a scale, its almost to the point of being a science in fact.  I have coined a few categories that I would like to share with you.

1) The Facebook Couple: Don't lie to yourself, you know you have some of these people on your friend list.  They were probably people that you went to high school with that you just haven't deleted yet, but you like to keep them around because they add some free entertainment to your life.  Its almost like a car accident or water birth, really disgusting and bloody, but you just can't look away because you might miss something.  When these couples are together, there's AT LEAST 5 Instagram/Facebook/Twitter updates.  When they're at their significant other's place, they might check into "My Baby's Lap" or "Huggy Bear's House" or something nasty like that.  When a couple like this is fighting you'll definitely see some, "I just can't handle him right now", or "She's the only one for me..but it just hurts so much" or the classic, "[Insert Song Lyric Here] this reminds me of you... </3". And when they're happy, "2 Day anniversary wit my country boii [Insert anniversary date here] <3 <3 <3 <3 <3". PUKE. You do realize EVERYONE can read this right?

2) The Supermarket Couple: You know, you're just trying to get your milk and "accidentally" slip some Dove chocolates into your cart for a night alone, crying while watching Forney hold Americus for the first time in Where the Heart Is..that might just be me..anyway.. You're minding your own business, checking out the hot guys that might actually know how to cook for themselves when you run into that dreaded road block.  That hot blonde girl who looks amazing in yoga pants and a compression tank top holding hands with a Liam Hemsworth look alike.  Not only are you thinking, "Damn, I have no chance in hell at dating ever again", but you're also PISSED that you can't get through them.  These two likely are carrying baskets instead of a cart because it increases resistance on their perfect forearms because they're just health freaks like that.  They are likely walking really far apart from each other and traveling at approximately -5 MPH. You are a single woman! You have junk food to eat and rom coms to watch! Even though you so desperately want to tear them apart with one swift push of your cart, you just sit back and let your blood boil. Keeping Up With the Kardashians will just have to wait a few extra minutes..

3) The Perfect Couple: This one I might hate the most.  You know that friend you have, that really isn't your friend, but you were friends in the past and he or she ended up just being a total jerk?  Well, he or she is dating "the love of their life" and you never hear the end of it.  He might have done her laundry for her, because "even though he didn't want me to go, he supports me". She might have made a sandwich for him because "she understands my delicate stomach".  Bottom line, both parties are conceited attention hogs that just want to rub it in the pathetic, single girl or guy's face that they found their soul mate.  Talk about annoying.  Even more annoying than that, these couples do this thing called, "supporting" each other.  Apparently, the man in the relationship wants to have 5 kids, but is okay with their no less than straight shooting children to have a "working mother".  Trust me, no one with 5 kids is a working mother right off the bat, so I call your bull, sirs.

4) The PDA Couple: If you're anything like me, you're already gagging thinking about these two.  This couple always finds the not so perfect spot to make out, or just be disgusting.  Let's say that you're going to see Rock of Ages by yourself.  Your best friends are out of town and you've been wanting to see it since the rumor of it hitting theaters.  You're right in the middle of Catherine Zeta Jones singing Hit Me With Your Best  Shot, when you see these idiots sucking face.  Not only just sucking face, but there is visible tongue involved and its noisier than the 13 year old obese boy trying to breath and guzzle down his Mountain Dew at the same time.  Have some decency people.  Or, let's say you're going to scope out the latest sale at Gap, when you lay eyes on the prettiest mint green cardigan you ever did see! You hustle your bustle to snag that deal off the rack when you're cut off by the McFeelyUppers, Grasping places that should not be grasped with the lights on outside of the bedroom.  I don't understand these people, are you homeless?

5) The Overly Emotional Fights In Public Couple: These couples are a little tricky, they range in age, size and can attack at any second.  They usually start out as one of the previous dreaded couples, then magically transform into this one.  Imagine you're sitting quietly reading 50 Shades of Grey on your tablet, because you didn't want to carry it around with you..embarrassing, in the depths of a comfy chair somewhere hip that you'd been meaning to go for awhile. All of a sudden, just as soon as Christian Grey is about to spew his feelings, when you hear, "YOU TEXTED WHO?!?!"..a frightening red headed woman jumps up and yells at her beany and gage clad boyfriend.  There is a hush across the room, and you were almost to the climax! (literally).  This couple goes on for another 5 minutes until a mousy teenage boy employee mumbles to them that they should try to keep it down. And on and on it goes until they throw each other across the table and turn back into the PDA couple. I hate whoever coined the phrase "Make Up and Make Out".

So there you have it folks, my views on relationships. They're sticky, gross and over romanticized by today's media, kind of like high fructose corn syrup.  If you're in love, that's great. Please strive to be one of those couples that people want to be around, not one that I might "accidentally" trip while on my next visit to the Grand  Canyon.  And if you're a sour tramp like myself, let's clink our mugs of tea together, pick up knitting for a month or so before we get bored and compare ourselves to Liz Lemon. Forever alone just got glamorous. Haha, no it really didn't.